What the Winchesters Would Never EVER Say
by MatildaHummingbird
Summary: Exactly what the title says. Snip its of things The winchesters would never say.
1. Chapter 1

**What the Winchesters Would Never Say**

**Summary: Exactly what the title says, just random little snipits of things the Winchester boys would never say. EVER! There are warnings for slash – rated M for strong sexual references. **

**Chapter 1 – Beginnings. (Guess Starring Jess. – Somehow)**

John: Sam……..

Sam: Yeah dad?

John: Can we talk?

Sam: Sure dad.

John: You're adopted.

silence

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something said between Dean and John when Sam's in College

Dean: Ever get the feeling you're just a little speck on a huge cloud of dust? Like – the world no longer makes sense and everyone you love and everything you've worked for means absolutely nothing?

John: Ever get the feeling – you should put down those weed bowls?

Dean: cough sputter Not driving till tomorrow dad, you can handle the smoke.

John: ug.

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Dean singing: THE NIGHT SANTA WENT CRAZY THE NIGHT ST. NICK WENT INSANE REALIZED HE'D BEEN GETTING THE WRONG DEAL! SOMETHING FINALLY MUST'VE SNAPPED IN HIS BRAIN!

Sam:………You suck at singing.

Dean: NOT TRUE DUDE! Weird Al is a fine musician, among the finest! Metallica , Ac/Dc, ZEPPLIN! Weird Al is one of the rare artists EVERYONE CAN SING!

Sam: This coming from the biggest closet Brittany fans ladies and gentlemen……..

Dean: stomps on breaks CHRISTINE I LIKE CHRISTINA DAMMIT!

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Sam: I'm a pyro maniac.

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John: Dean why are we here?

Dean: It's the week end there's no gigs figured we'd blow off steam.

Sam: Why am I blindfolded?

John: Why IS he blindfolded?

Dean: because I knew if he saw where we were going he'd whine and complain and I'm sick of his brooding.

John: Yeah – he does brood a lot.

Sam: ……DAMMIT DEAN NO I REFUSE TO BE HERE! LET ME OFF RIGHT HERE! AND GET THIS DAMNED BLIND FOLD OFF OF ME!

John: Yeah Dean; come on this is really immature we can't abuse Sam like this.

Dean: - It's just Vegas!

Sam: JUST VEGAS? YOU MORON IT'S GAMBLING I'VE SAID A MILLION TIMES OVER MY POWERS DON'T WORK LIKE THAT!

John: He has a point Dean….

Dean: YOU'RE AGAINST ME TO?

Sam: alright dad! Now – for this damn blind fold – uh what? Why can't I get it off?

Dean: You know that wet stuff when I first put it on.

John: sniggers

Sam: Ye- yeah?

Dean: it wasn't water.

Sam: Wha – what was it oh dear brother of mine.

Dean: …..Super glue…..

John: falls out of truck laughing

Sam:….DEAN!

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Dean: is on his knees in pain his ears are pressed tightly to his ears, he's crying in agony.

John: comes running into the motel room DEAN! OMG DEAN WHATS HAPPENING! is also plugging his ears from the awful screeching noise coming from the washroom

Dean: IT'S SAM! HE'S SINGING IN THE SHOWER!

John: OH GOD NO!

Sam from the shower: MY LONLINESS IS KILLING ME I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE – STILL BELIEVE AND WHEN I'M NOT WITH YOU I LOSE MY MIND OH GIIIIIIIIIIIIVE ME A SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!

John: This is horrible! ….I have a plan! Dean you ready?

Dean: Anything – anything to shut Sam up!

John: - o.k FOLLOW ME! they go to the trunk where John whispers the idea to Dean mean while putting heavy duty ear plugs in his and Dean's ears. So on my signal we burst in. Did you make the calls?

Dean: Yeah I made the calls – their waiting. Evil grin

John: Alright – you ready?

Dean: nods

John: 1 ….2……THREE!

Sam: OOPS I DID IT AGAIN I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEART, GOT LOST IN THE GAME OH BABY BABY OO – AHHHHHHHHHHHH is cut off as John and Dean jump into the shower and grab Sam dragging him out of the wash room. HEY WHAT ARE YO - it's too late, Sam's singing is cut off as John and Dean successfully throw him naked out the motel room window into a mosh pit of insane Sam centric fan girls

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Dean: I'm obsessed with 50 Cent.

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John: I'm so happy Mary's gone. Now I can hook up with someone young and sexy!

Jess: Hi I'm Jess.

John: ….sly voice Well hellooo. Do you have a little Winchester in you?

Jess: Um - no?

John: Would you like some? wink

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End first Chapter. PLEASE REVIEW!


	2. Yaoi Thoughts Ignite Sort of

**I actually got a review! Yays - me so happy – now then. **

**Onto Chapter Two. **

**Ch 2: Yaoi Thoughts Ignite. (Sort of)**

John: Boys what exactly are you doing in there?

Sam: Protesting.

John: Protesting what exactly?

Dean: We've decided you're too hard on us dad – we are only sixteen and ten years old. Our demands are clear, you stop treating us like trainees and start treating us like your children.

John: Wow. That's incredible, especially from you Dean – I'd expect this sort of behaviour from Sammy but not you Dean.

Sam: **giggles**

Dean: Sam has a powerful way with words Dad he's proven that he's right. You need to be more attentive to our needs and stop hunting.

Sam: YEAH!

John: Sam's really got you wrapped up in this hasn't he Dean.

Dean: Yes sir.

John: and there's no way I can change your mind?

Dean: No sir.

John: He cried didn't he?

Dean: Yes sir.

John: Thought that might be the case, Sam and your damned puppy eyes.

Sam: **grin**

John: Alright now – whose bright idea was it to protest in the closet?

Sam: Mine – AND I DIDN'T CRY!

Dean: Did so!

Sam: Did not!

Dean: DID SO!

John: Both of you shut up! And for Gods sake come out of the damned closet.

Sam & Dean: No.

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Dean: Hey Sam.

Sam: Yeah Dean?

Dean: I found some interesting facts about our ghost online.

Sam: Care to share?

Dean: Yeah – she died in a pretty bloody farm accident, maiden name was Costner.

Sam: Wow that's pretty impressive Dean, you get extra brownie points.

Dean: OH! And I discovered something else to.

Sam: Oh yeah what?

Dean: **grins evilly **I think you KNOW what I'm talking about it – it's in your net history after all.

Sam: **pale faced **Oh no!

Dean: **laughing **Oh yes!

Sam: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FOUND MY SIXTY GIGS OF GAY PORN!

Dean: **shocked **Sixty gigs of gay porn? WHAT! No dude – I was talking about the cow boy hat you were bidding for on e bay.

Sam: oh right……..the hat……yeah………..

Dean: **laughing **Sixty gigs of gay porn!

Sam: Oh – shut up.

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Dean: My gay senses are tingling! SAM!

Sam: It's Sammy.

Dean: What ever! Are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Sam: I think so Dean but – how are we going to get to Mt. Doom in that amount of time?

Dean: No you moron. Tonight's the night we make our selves known to yaoi fan girls!

Sam: That' is A BRILLIANT! Idea! …..Do we have the wear these tights? **Points to what their wearing **

Dean: Yes!

Sam: **sigh** Why do I have to be bat man again?

Dean: because! Superman is stronger, and I've already claimed superman – and Robin's loser. You are batman because you fit him perfectly! You are the token emo!

Sam: **grumble grumble **jerk **grumble grumble**

Dean: What you say?

Sam: Nothing – just say the stupid punch line.

Dean: You're right Sam no more wasting time. We must hurry.

Sam: Here we go….

Dean: TO THE INVISIBLE WINCEST MOBILE!

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John: Holy crap Dean. This is strange – that's it! I give up! I'm never going to try and understand you ever again. I think I've got you figured out, then you do something like THIS!

Dean: **happy grin **thanks Dad.

John: Don't mention it. Now I'm curious, what possessed you to paint the car hot pink?

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Sam: I LOVE boobs.

Dean: No you don't.

Sam: PROVE IT!

Dean: Nick Lachey is a man.

Sam: Damn.

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John: Is it wrong enjoying split personalities?

Dean: Not in my opinion.

John: So I can hide my own Easter eggs this year?

Dean: - That's – the line right there.

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Sam: I wonder what's in here!

**Click click click click. **

Sam: Wincest? What's that?

**Click. **

Sam: ….**faints…**………….

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Sam: You want us to exercise your daughter's imaginary friend?

Woman: That's right.

John: THAT'S SICK!

Dean: Very sick. Of all the things too make us do? Defile a five year olds imagination. Your disgusting lady!

John: Real disgusting.

Sam: I refuse! In the name of five year olds and imaginary friends everywhere, I PROTEST!

Dean: Right behind you Sammy.

John: Me to!

Sam: MEN! To the closet!


	3. This Chapter Sucks LIKE really sucks

**I'm getting a really good feeling about this fic – so onto chapter three. **

**What the Winchester's Would Never, EVER , say. **

Chapter 3

Sam: DEAN! Omg Dean wake up!

Dean: **growl** what?

Sam: I just got the best song in my head, you gotta help me sing it!

Dean: Sam No! It's – three thirty in the morning – can't it wait until later?

Sam: No man – it's too good of a song, we gotta sing it together. PLEASE!

Dean: …..depends **grumble grumble** what song?

Sam: … I'm a little tea pot!

Dean: Well – WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO!

Sam: **starts singing** I'm a little – tea pot….

Dean: Short and spout!

Sam: HERE IS MY HANDLE!

Dean: - Here is my spout!

Sam: When I get all steamed up! **By now both brother's are dancing. **

Dean: HERE ME SHOUT!

Both: TIP ME OVER AND POUR ME OUT!

Sam: **laughing ** thanks Dean, that was awesome!

Dean: Don't mention – now lets go back to sleep shall we?

Sam: Yes sir!

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Dean: You know who I admire?

John: I'm at a blank. Who?

Dean: Tuxedo Mask!

John: Who?

Dean: You've never heard of tuxedo mask? Man – don't you EVER watch television?

John: No.

Dean: Well there's this old cartoon called – Sailormoon.

John: oh – OH! That Tuxedo Mask! I remember now – why do you admire him?

Dean: I can't watch that show with out getting a huge boner – and somehow he can be around them in the flesh, and not get even a hint of a hard on.

John: A) It's a cartoon – for kids no less, if he did get a boner I highly doubt it was drawn in – and B) That's not something admirable that's over gayness. If he was real, he was totally pitching it for the home team.

Dean: Like Sam?

John: Exactly like Sam.

Sam: **comes into room** what about me?

John & Dean: Nothing.

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Dean: Where are we?

Sam: Canada.

Dean: What are we doing in Canada?

Sam: We're going to cure you.

Dean: Um – I'm not sick.

Sam: No, nothing medical – mental.

Dean: Mental what's wrong?

Sam: Dad told me last night you were afraid of roller coasters.

Dean: He did?

Sam: Ya – so I slipped you some pills and loaded you in the car and started driving.

Dean: You're taking me to a Canadian shrink for my fear of roller coasters?

Sam: No – I'm taking you to the Canadian Top Gun in Wonderland and strapping you in to cure you of your fear of roller coasters.

Dean: WHAT!

Sam: Now before you go off the deep end I just wanna say that –

Dean: LET ME OUT OF THE DAMN CAR NOW!

Sam: Come on be reasonable – this is a serious thing Dean, what if a poltergeist attacks an amusement park, we've got to be ready.

Dean: If a poltergeist attacks an amusement park, you're going alone. Now – LET ME OUT OF THE DAMN CAR!

Sam: **laughing ** Nope, sorry. Watching you squirm is so much more fun.

Dean: f-ck f-ck f-ck f-ck f-ck!

Sam: Hey look we're here.

Dean: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

**Later**

Sam: That roller coaster rocked!

Dean,………..OH GOD PLEASE TAKE ME HOME! **crying**

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John: **sigh…..**

Dean: What's wrong dad?

John: It's sort of embarrassing…

Sam: Nothing is too embarrassing in the Winchester family. Tell us, we wont laugh – right Dean?

Dean: RIGHT! I promise we won't laugh!

John: **small smile** you boys are the best – o.k I'll tell you.

Dean: Way to go dad!

Sam: Good man, now please tell us, we want to help?

John: **sits down **I discovered something about – my self.

Sam: You did?

Dean: When?

John: Yesterday – I was, well – I was in Vegas, and low on cash.

Dean: You prostituted your self for money! YOU WHORE!

Sam: DEAN! **Head thwamp** don't jump to conclusions like that! This is really hard for dad to say – let him finish his story.

John: Oh Sam what would I do with out you?

Sam: No problem, now please continue.

Dean: **grumble** whore **grumble**

Sam: DEAN!

Dean: sorry..

John: ANYWAY! I was looking for a quick way to make money when I came across a bar.

Sam: Was it one of THOSE bars?

John: Yes.

Dean: Hey this story is getting kind of hot!

John: I walked in hoping to maybe get an odd – job. Boy did I get one! I met this man, he was the stage manager who ran all the shows and he was short one show girl and desperate.

Sam: Then you walked in?

Dean: Oh god….

John: Yes. He asked if I danced and sang, I said yes. With out warning he pulled me back stage, next thing I knew I was in a pink sparkling dress and red wig. My name was Joanna and I had a solo.

Sam: Wow – that's, pretty. –

Dean: The term your looking for is gay Sam. Gay.

Sam: DECENT!

John: huh?

Dean: Wha?

Sam: I mean when I started working at Miami Girls in Stanford it took me six months to get a solo! I did everything from can-can dance to back up before my manager even thought of giving me a solo!

John: You were a Miami Girl singer! I'M SO JELOUS THEIR COSTUMES ARE SO MUCH MORE GORGEOUS THEN VEGAS BABES!

Dean: ……_just walk away Dean…..WALK away……_

Sam: Oh no hush hush girl friend Vegas Babes costumes aren't that bad! When I did a guest performance their they had me in this little blue mini skirt and black tube – and my wig and make up was amazing!

John: Don't tell me! He has you in the blonde pig tail wig with the gold lip stick and hoop earrings?

Sam: How'd you know?

John: It's his favourite costume for all the guest singers. What song did you sing?

Sam: Me? Oh well – my first solo at Miami Girls was Can I have this Dance by Anne Murray and my guest song at Vegas Babes was I feel pretty.

John: You got to do I feel pretty? LUCKY! I've asked for it a couple times, and the manager simply refuses!

Dean: my brother and my father are cross dressers at local gay bars….

Sam: Is their a problem with that Dean?

Dean: Oh no – not at you hand me that .45?

John: Why?

Dean: So I can end my misery.

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Sam: God I love Ice cream.

Dean: I love chocolate.

John: I LOVE SEX!

Dean: ….That's great dad.

Sam: I hope you get aids.

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Dean: Sam.

Sam: What?

Dean: That was – Cassie on the phone…..

Sam: She's pregnant.

Dean: How did yo –

Sam: know?

Dean: Ya.

Sam: It's my kid.

Dean: **choke **WHAT!

Sam: Oh right – you shouldn't know that….ummmmm – well this is awkward?

Dean: Ya think?

Sam: Now what?

Dean: There is only one man who can solve this Sammy.

Sam: Jerry Springer?

Dean: Close. Dad.

Sam: PURE GENIOUS!

Dean: I know, I'm going to call him. **Picks up phone and dials John putting him on speaker phone. **

John: Hello? Boys? Jeez why are you calling so late?

Dean: Dad, we need help.

John: What is it?

Sam: You see – Dean and I are – in a little bit of a pickle.

John: Sweet or Dill Pickle?

Both Sam & Dean: Dad?

John: I LOVE PICKLES!

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Sam: So this is the end of chapter three.

Dean: Yup.

Sam: You excited for chapter four?

Dean: Nope.

Sam: Why not?

Dean: This chapter sucked, so – if it doesn't pick up by chapter five I'm protesting.

Sam: You wanna go protest in the closet now and save time?

Dean: Yup.

Sam: Alright lets to to the closet,

Dean: Lets stop at this crappy corner store first and get some porn mags.

Sam: We don't need porn mags.

Dean: Reeally?

Sam: No, I'll be your porn star.

Dean: I like that sound of that.

**WINCEST RULES! ……Well too me, but come on I've sure there are a couple out there who also enjoy it. If not then… . NO FLAMES!**


	4. ChapterFourFINAFREAKINGLY!

Chapter Four.

FINAFREAKINGLY!

Sam: I love cake.

Dean: The band or the food?

Sam: The food – wait? There's a band named Cake?

Dean: **pauses** I think so – I forget.

Sam: Check the internet.

Dean: I'm on it – **plops in front of Sam's lab top.**

Sam: Well?

Dean: Nothing – wait a second here's something.

Sam: Yah?

Dean: Yah – did you know that a woman's body can accommodate almost ANYTHING when reaching a certain stage of horniness?

Sam: Really?

Dean: Yah, on a really good day – I could probably stick my head up there!

Ellen: **walking in** Up where?

Sam & Dean: NOTHING!

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John: King me.

Sam: Dad –

John: What?

Sam: We're playing chess.

**Pause**

John: King me.

Sam: Chess dad – it doesn't work like that.

John: It did when I was little.

Sam: You know what – forget it. You're the boss, I king you.

John: You're kinging me?

Sam: Well yeah –

John: How stupid can you be? We're playing chess moron!

Sam: …WHAT?!

John: You heard me you cheater!

Sam: I didn't cheat! You were the one who just –

John: Zip it!

Sam: But I didn't sa-

John:  I give up. DEAN!

Dean: **walking in** What?

Sam: Play chess with dad.

Dean: chess is for losers

John: I thought we were playing checkers.

Sam: - Oh – piss off.

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Dean: I feel like tofu.

Sam: - tofu?

Dean: Yeah – one large tofu burger and a bottle of spring water.

Sam: Screw that I'm ordering K.F.C

Dean: Do you have any idea how much grease you're putting into your system? You'll die of a heart attack before your forty.

Sam: Forty huh? Longer life expectancy then I imagined. Where'd the extra ten years come from?

Dean: Dude you're too good at what you do to die in field that soon.

Sam: If that's the case swing by the beer store.

Dean: Ew you're going to drink beer?

Sam: Nice cool and it makes me fall asleep.

Dean: Yah – with your head in a toilette.

Sam: Comfier then a motel bed.

Dean: OO bad burn, why do you hurt?

Sam: same reason you eat tofu.

Dean: because the typist is evil?

Sam: Totally evil.

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John: Ellen.

Ellen: What?

John: Did you ever tell Jo the truth?

Ellen: No and you better shut your mouth John Winchester. She isn't EVER going to know.

John: You have to tell her!

Ellen: No! It's not fair to her!

John: It's more then fair to her, if she knows then she can get over it and move on – could you imagine what would happen if the wrong person told her?

Ellen: Dammit I hate you when you're right.

Jo: **on the phone** mom it's late why are you calling me?

Ellen: Sweety there's something I gotta tell you, now get your but home.

-Next Day-

Jo: Why is John here?

Ellen: He's part of it.

Jo: Not following.

Ellen: **whispers in Jo's ear.**

Jo: I had no idea and John's in on it?

Ellen: Yah he told Dean.

John: I did to, ask him your self.

Jo: Aw poor Sammy – ummm hold on. How does this concern me?

Ellen: **whispers in Jo's ear again.**

Jo: That's disgusting. Not touching that one with a fifty foot pole.

Every fan watching: OH COME ON! THAT THE HELL ARE THEY SAYING!

Kripke: **mysterious voice** you'll find out.

Sam: I feel so secure.

Fans: Screw you we're protesting!

Sam: I'm with the fans Ric. What the hell is going on?

Kripke: **sigh** FINE! Sam! **Whispers in Sam's ear**

Sam: Oh man – that is gross. But thanks for telling me man.

Fans: What?! WHAT DID HE SAY?!

Sam: **shifty eyes ** what did who say?

Fans:….. We give up.

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Dean: Dude check it out! **Smiles**

Sam: Sweet man, you got grills.

Dean: and it only cost me one credit card scam.

Sam: Ohhh sweet digs man. Sweet, yo man where your ride at?

Dean: No clue dawg.

Sam: Heavy.

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Dean: God I wish I had Barbie's hair.

Sam: God I wish I looked like Ken.

John: What ever happened to Barbie's minority friend Tiffany?

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Demon: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sam: That was the worst cliché laugh ever dude.

Demon: really?

Dean: Yah, you should consider acting courses. I've actually got a number here in my wallet.

Demon: Well thanks Dean that's really helpful.

Sam: alright well I guess you might be; wanting to call that number huh?

Demon: Oh definitely this will help a lot.

Dean: That's great! I'm really looking forward to seeing the results. This guy works miracles you'll love him to death – I wouldn't be the Dean Winchester I am with out him.

Demon: Oh man that's awesome and I love your character to.

Sam: So when can we count on seeing you again?

Demon: Well actually – in six months I'm supposed to be burning down another house if you wanna stop by I can give you a call later on and let you know ahead of time if you're interested.

Dean: Man are you kidding? I wouldn't miss that for the world!

Sam: me neither man, any time call us any time. We'll be there.

Demon: Aww you guys are so nice to me. Anyway I'm going to go call this number. Umm Dean can I have the number?

Dean: Oh yeah! Right. **Pulls out number hands it demon** here ya go.

Demon: PERFECT!

Sam: So we'll catch you later?

Demon: Definitely! Catch you later!

Both Boys: Bye!

Demon: bye! **Disappears.**

**-----End Chapter Four ------**


	5. A little Copy Writing

**I'm making a comeback! Having not updated this one in a LONG long time, I forgot about it – which is sort of sad. Anyway – yesterday I found hand written transcript that I was going to post – but never did, and thus I remembered and now WHAM! I'm posting. **

**I'll also do my best to update both Time Rift and Badass Baby Brother by the end of the week and so with out further ado – here is the beginning of my comeback!**

**What the Winchesters would Never EVER say. **

**Chapter 5**

Sam: Man, I can't WAIT to get back to college!

Dean: **sighs** I have to ask, after all this time, what makes college life still SO appealing?

Sam: Hello?! Are you nuts? You have to ask? Stag parties, frat hazing, cheer leader run pep rallies – how could I NOT want to go back? College girls put out dude.

Dean: …Who are you and where the hell did you put my brother?

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Dean: I'm going to the library!

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John: Hey Sam, hand me a little bit of that weed.

Sam: Screw you, it's mine.

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Dean: So, some of your college friends know about the REAL you?

Sam: Yup.

Dean: Cool, they gave you a crappy nick name didn't they?

Sam: It wasn't crappy.

Dean: Right, I don't believe you for a second now spill what was your college nick name?

Sam: Rifle.

Dean: Oh yeah I get it, rifle, our last name, yah that is a cool nick name. Now tell me your real college nick name Rifle.

Sam: ….Buffy….

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John: Sam I'm not going to lie, you're a disappointment to me.

Sam: Somehow, my heart will go on.

John: No seriously. You were supposed to be a girl.

Dean: **falls over laughing**

Sam: Really?

John: of course! Why else were you in a pink dress up until you were four?

Sam: I thought it was because you were really screwed up in the head!

Dean: god….I love family reunions. **Still laughing. **Teehee…Samantha…

The following excerpt belongs to the ever talented Kevin Smith. I LOVE YOU KEVIN!

Dean: I just watched Clerks.

Sam: and?

Dean: You are totally Dante.

Sam: How so?

Dean: **Grins** Its times like this it occurs to me that we were lied to   
by The Jetsons.

Sam: What are you talking about?

Dean: According to that show we were suppose to be tooling  
around in flying cars by now. You see any flying cars lately? That's the   
problem with TV, it always lies to us.

Sam: Yeah, well most of us rational thinkers weren't banking on a  
cartoon to offer us a viable glimpse into the future of technological   
development.

Dean: You don't think anyone anywhere is working on the flying car.

Sam: I could care less

Dean: I gotta believe that there is somebody else out there is  
thinking about the flying car besides me. Someone who is not afraid  
to throw their hats over the wall for the good of mankind.

Sam: What's that suppose to mean?

Dean: Throw their hats over the wall. It means committing to doing   
something. If more people threw their hats over the wall, we wouldn't  
be sitting here in this mess right now. We would be zooming over it in  
the flying car.

Sam: I see you have given this a lot of thought.

Dean: Kennedy, all right JFK himself. When he was in office, he  
stood before the world and promised them a man on the moon within  
10 years. Thing is nobody had started working on a space program at   
that point. JFK had no data to back up his claims, no inside into the  
practicality of space travel. But you know what he had?

Sam: Marilyn Monroe

Dean: The man had sac. The man had the sac to stand before the  
world and say "Yo, yo get this we're going to the moon." Imagine, if  
you and I were the kind of guys who had the sac to stand before the   
world and say "Get this we'll all be in the flying car by the end of the  
year.

Sam: Do you know you have a one track mind.

Dean: Hey, what would you be willing to trade for the flying car?

Sam: What do you mean?

Dean: Say some German scientist comes up to you and he says "I  
have invented the flying car. I'll give it to you on one condition."

Sam: Well, what's the condition?

Dean: He's not going to tell you.

Sam: Then it's no deal.

Dean: The guy is offering you the flying car!

Sam: Yeah, but there is obviously a catch.

Dean: Who cares what the catch is, it's the flying car. You'll have the   
only one in the world.

Sam: And why is this... German scientist

Dean: Ya, vol.

Sam: Why is he offering it to me for free instead of the car  
companies instead?

Dean: What is this "Murder She Wrote"? Who cares what's behind  
the mystery. You going to look a gift horse in the mouth? Just take the   
car man.

Sam: Not until I know what the catch is.

Dean: Fine, the catch is you got to cut off a foot.

Sam: No way.

Dean: Are you saying you wouldn't cut off your foot for the flying car?   
You're that selfish.

Sam: It's my foot! How am I suppose to walk?

Dean: What walk? You'll have the flying car. Good God, you could  
sell the design and engineering secrets to the car companies and be  
a multibillionaire. After that you could buy like 50 prosthetic feet.

Sam: Which foot, right or left?

Dean: You're choice

Sam: Ok, I'll trade my left foot for the flying car.

Dean: Why your left foot?

Sam: Oh, it's got an ingrown toenail.

Dean: Listen to you. A guy offers you the Fire from Olympus that is  
the flying car and you trade him a bum foot.

Sam: You said I could pick.

Dean: So it's a deal then, your foot for the flying car. You're sure?

Sam: Yes, I'm sure.

Dean: You can't welch.

Sam: I won't welch.

Dean: Because the whole world is counting on you.

Sam: Why the whole world all of a sudden?

Dean: Because the German scientist held a press conference  
when he made you the offer. He told the world media once the trade  
is made. You can do whatever you want with the flying car. Including  
mass marketing an affordable model for consumer purchase.

Sam: What the hell kind of scientist is this guy anyways?

Dean: One with a lot of free time on his hands and a foot fetish. So  
are you in? You going to do the right thing here?

Sam: Yes.

Dean: So it's a deal.

Sam: Yes.

Dean: Ok, so then what happens is you find out the guy is going to  
take your foot off with a hacksaw.

Sam: What?

Dean: And no atheistic.

Sam: Aww, screw that!

Dean: Come on it's part of the deal.

Sam: You didn't say that before!

Dean: Well, you should of paid a lawyer look over the contract. But  
come on, it only hurts when they're taking the foot off. After that they'll  
use a local on your stump and cauterize the wound.

Sam: Well why can't I have a local before he cuts it off?

Dean: Because, he is a sick degenerate that likes to inflict pain.

Sam: You said he was a man of science!

Dean: You don't think Einstein didn't like hacking guys feet off but,   
nobody ever said anything about it because he was one of the great  
thinkers of our time. But come on man. Take a hit for the team. It's a  
few seconds of pain for a lifetime of riches and zero traffic.

Sam: Fine, as long as I get the local as soon as he is done cutting,

Dean: So you want the local?

Sam: Who am I, The Marquis De Sade? Yes, I want the local.

Dean: All right.

Sam: Why do you say it like that for?

Dean: It's just the local he gives you, knocks you out and when your  
out he diddles you pennie.

Sam: Oh, come on!

Dean: Hey man, you made the deal.

Sam: To trade my foot for the flying car, not to be tortured and  
molested by some mad German scientist.

Dean: And his friends.

Sam: What?

Dean: It's just when he is done with you he gives his friends a shot  
at you too.

Sam: Deals off.

Dean: What are you some kind of homophobe?

Sam: No, I just don't want to be diddled by some insane German   
scientist and his friends after they've hacked my foot off.

Dean: Need I remind you, this is for the flying car!

Sam: It ain't worth it.

Dean: See, you're what's wrong with this country, hell with this   
world. You're always thinking about your own comfort level. Never  
thinking about the rest of us. This country was built on sacrifice and  
nearly 30 years of living a life full of selfish foot pampering and  
intergender intercourse has made you too soft to throw your hat over  
the wall for the good of mankind. And what's worse is, not only do you  
ruin it for the rest of us with the flying car, but you completely blow the  
notion of American nobility in the process. The children of the world  
have no heroic figure to emulate. So the future of mankind continues  
on it's downward spiral into entropy and mass extinction until all that  
was once great about the human race lies buried in the primordial  
stew to which we'll most certainly return. Thanks to you and ill refusal  
to reach for the stars and you'll forever be remembered as the sad  
footnote in the book of life. The wimpy little scumbag who could of  
breached the chasm of becoming and being. But instead opted to  
cover his own ass and foot in the process.

Sam: All right! I'll go through with the deal. I'll let the German   
scientist hack my foot off. Then him and his friends can have their  
way with me. All for the flying car.

Dean: You would do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car. I  
thought I knew you man.

---------------------------------

Dean: Man when I grew up, all I wanted to be was –

John: Don't tell me – a princess.

Dean: How did you…know?

Sam: Yah, how DID you know?!

John: It's all you boys ever talked about.


End file.
